


The Silly Idea of Existence

by izuruthemad



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Hinata Hajime & Kamukura Izuru Share a Body Simultaneously, Kamukura Contemplates Life, Kamukura Has Good Intentions, Kamukura Izuru Has Feelings, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Kamukura Izuru, Now in HD and Blu-ray, Servant Being Servant, Transphobia, junko's a bitch, slight Hinata/Kamukura interaction, when you kin with a man so you write a character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 06:27:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14910081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izuruthemad/pseuds/izuruthemad
Summary: Kamukura Izuru. 18. Male(?).whydidn'tthatsoundright(?)what am i?





	The Silly Idea of Existence

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write this.  
> This was a whole day's work of sweat, blood, tears, and introspection, and I don't really give a shit whether this gets 2 notes or 4000. This is entirely for me.  
> I've never synchronized with a character as closely as Kamukura? Izuru's got a special place in my heart so enjoy.

_"We christen you as Kamukura Izuru, after the founder of this school."_

The first thing he(?)'d remembered was his(?) name, age, and  ~~gender(?)~~ biological sex.

_~~whydidn'tthatsoundright(?)~~ _

_Kamukura Izuru. 18. Male ~~(?)~~._

~~_they said i was male. isn't that the_ ~~ _truth(?)_

~~_what am i?_ ~~

Apparently he(?) had the body of a boy(?). Despite the long hair.  ~~ _Despite the underlying feeling that it didn't matter in the long run._~~

~~_how boring._ ~~

* * *

"What is (boy) ?"

" (Boy) is a (gender). The original you was a (boy). We made you better. You are hope."

~~_can i be a hope instead of a boy (?)_ ~~

~~_how boring._~~

* * *

 My purpose was _~~(hope)~~_ ?

He(?) found him(?)self constantly bored. The scientists who created him.  ~~ _boring._~~ The tasks they had him(?) do.  ~~ _boring._~~ The principal, Kirigiri, was it?  ~~ _boring._~~   His(?) purpose?

_What is my purpose, anyways?_

_Hope?_

_Hope is predictable._

~~_he(?) is boring. he(?) doesn't feel right with me._ ~~

~~_let me try something else._ ~~

Kamukura wasn't sure what Kamukura's purpose was. Kamukura got so bored Kamukura seemed to fly straight out of Kamukura's head and right above, floating there, watching Kamukura's body shuffle through the day, and nobody was any the wiser.

~~~~ _~~dissociation.~~ _

_~~right?~~ _

~~_it's so repetitive saying Kamukura over any pronouns. but i don't want to say he(?) again. it makes me uncomfortable._ ~~

~~_none of my talents are explaining this._ ~~

When  _ ~~he~~_ asked the boring people what  _ ~~his~~_ purpose was, they all said "hope".

_Ultimate Hope._

~~_hope for what? through what? hope through a disaster? hope for the future? me, hopeful? taking hope from me?_ ~~

_~~they're boring. i'm bored. what hope?~~ _

_~~how boring.~~ _

* * *

Kamukura got a fancy suit and tie, and sat in the semidarkness. They'd finally gotten  ~~ _(bored)_~~ of _~~him~~_.

Not  _bored_ , persay. They just weren't creative enough to find an alternative.

_find something fun to do with me._

_more tests._

_i understand myself better than they understand me, and by that i mean_ ~~_i don't understand myself at all._ ~~

_~~you'd think i'd be more curious about my own condition.~~ _

_~~but no matter how hard i struggle, i achieve nothing.~~ _

_~~it's more boring than doing something i'm (talented) at.~~ _

~~~~~~_he_~~ decided to play emotions today. figure out what each emotion felt like on  ~~ _his_~~ face.

_happy._

~~_his_~~ facial muscles streched with disuse. A smile felt foreign on  ~~ _his_~~ face. 

_sad._

~~~~Could ~~ _he_~~ even move  _ ~~his~~_ eyebrows in a way to convey misery?  ~~ _He_~~ didn't even think it was possible. The muscles to move eyebrows felt inaccessible.

_~~Except for raising them in contempt~~._

_Anger._

~~_He_~~ tried baring  _ ~~his~~_ teeth. Raising the eyebrows.

_Good._

~~_do you ever think this might be someone else's face_ ~~

_why do my hands smell like chlorine?_

_the container i awoke in._

_that was too simple a curiosity. the answer bored me._

~~_He_~~ tried braiding his hair. It only took a minute. The braid fell out because there were no hair ties.

For a minute there,  ~~ _he_~~ felt prettier. A little more natural.

But it only lasted a second.

_~~how boring.~~ _

* * *

~~~~~~_what if i was a girl instead?_ ~~

~~_her(?)_ ~~

~~~~~~_She_~~ tried that out on  ~~ _her_~~ tongue.

~~_no, that doesn't sound right either._ ~~

~~_i can't find any solution to this._ ~~

~~_how boring._ ~~

* * *

~~~~Kamukura discovered quickly that ~~ _he_~~ didn't bond with other people normally.

~~_I_ _don't bond with other people at all._~~

There was one time where a few personnel had entered the room to check up on  ~~ _him_~~ again, and one had arrived looking rather harried.  ~~ _stressed._~~  

~~_He feels emotions properly._ ~~

~~_do i? what is it like to be something other than bored_ ~~

_~~v o i d~~ _

~~~~Stressed. Harried. Kamukura didn't know.

_Kamukura didn't care._

The others watched  ~~ _him._~~ They tread lightly around their upset co-worker. _Careful. Don't make him mad. Hiroko had a long day_.  _students in the reserve department fighting._

~~_two girls in the reserve course died. before this began._ ~~

They expected  ~~ _him_~~ to help their co-worker. Make him feel better. SHSL Therapist. Calm him down. Maybe because it would make everyone feel better  ~~ _including you._~~

~~_why? what's the point? he's upset, and it doesn't affect me._ ~~

~~_it should. they're all upset because he is._ ~~

~~_em•pa•thy (n). /'empəTHē/_ ~~

~~_the ability to understand and share the feelings of another._ ~~

~~_i can't feel (empathy)(?)_ ~~

~~~~"If you're not feeling calm, I suggest you go."

~~_word vomit._ ~~

~~~~They looked appalled.

_It was an honest suggestion, and in its essence the right suggestion to take._

Kamukura dodged the fist as quickly as it came. ~~_He'_~~ d already figured it was coming.

How predictable.

 _~~how boring.~~ _ ~~~~

* * *

~~_He_~~ found ~~_his_~~  first real suprise when  _she_ first came to see ~~_him_~~.

_And boy, was I surprised._

Every little synapse  ~~ _he_~~ had firing, every bit of knowledge  ~~ _he_~~ possesed told  ~~ _him_~~ it wasn't possible for her to even be there. The lab was so incredibly reinforced that there wasn't any way in besides brute force.

And she didn't look the type for brute force.

 _Enoshima Junko. Ultimate Fashonista. ~~(Despair.) (Analyst).~~_   _17\. Female._

~~_at least she knows what she's supposed to be_ ~~

There was another girl, behind her, looked to be the military type. Definitely her way in. How she coerced the other girl...

 _Ikusaba Mukuro. Ultimate Soldier. ~~(Despair).~~_ _17\. Female._

_Sisters- Fraternal Twins._

~~_it's likely that if one or the other chose to, they could successfully dress as the other and nobody would know the difference. similar bone structure and face proportions._ ~~

"Kamukura, Kamukura,  _yass qween!_ "

~~_Your voice is annoying._ ~~

  ~~ _oh shit. I think i whispered that._~~

"I'm suuuuuch a big fan. Gimme a huggy-huggy!"

~~_I'd rather not put my hands anywhere near you._ ~~

~~_God I'm glad I'm not talking right now. Giving people the cold shoulder has its perks(?)_ ~~

"Junko... he might be a bit dangerous."

~~_damn right i am._ ~~

~~~~"I knowwwww, riiiight? Dangerously _awesome."_

~~_no._ ~~

"That's not what I meant..."

"God you're annoying. Shut up. You're dumb, fat, and ugly."

 ~~~~_oh?_

"Dumb, fat, ugly? It's all true... Haha..."

Kamukura swore there was a pallid blush on the other girl's cheeks there for a minute.

~~_mas•o•chist (n). Somebody who takes sexual pleasure from being assaulted or insulted._ ~~

~~~~_~~disgusting~~._

Enoshima took this as a sign to approach. She took purposeful strides towards  ~~ _him_~~ , eyes focused on every little thing Kamukura did.

~~_she's smart._ ~~

~~~~"I'm soooo glad I got to meet you! I'm Junko Enoshima, from the 78th class? Funny thing is, you've been on my mind a looooott lately."

 ~~~~_really?_

"To think you've been shut in here, like basically in quarantine..."

~~_quar•an•tine (n). The act of containing a persom, usually to stop the spread of disease._ ~~

~~_am i diseased?_ ~~

~~~~"...It doesn't suit you at all! Your potential is just blinding. You could do anything, riiiight?"

~~_stance tensed. looks relaxed but she's planning an assault. muscles spring coiled, looks ready to leap at any minute. get prepared._ ~~

~~~~"For example..."

~~_three._ ~~

~~_two._ ~~

~~_one._ ~~

~~~~_"...Death could come for you like a thief in the night, leaving the world awash in despair!"_

_Blade raised. She's coming towards me. About half a second before she arrives. Step on her spine, she's angled low enough._

She hits the ground. The knife clatters to the floor next to her. Kamukura relishes the feeling of her back underneath ~~_his_~~ formal dress shoes, the sharp heels digging in. She grunts in pain.

"Junko!!"

_Here comes the second girl. Her knife is longer. If you strike her at just the right angle she'll hit the wall behind you. You have less time, she moves at a more accelerated pace._

Ikusaba hits the wall behind  ~~ _him._~~ The blade clatters to the floor next to her.

_put on a show._

"How boring."

~~_word vomit_ ~~

"Your actions are completely meaningless. Any attempt to assassinate me is entirely futile. I could predict any action you make before you make it."

She looks up at  _ ~~him~~_ ~~~~from beneath ~~ _his_~~ feet.

"Isn't  _hope_ boring?"

~~_hope._ ~~

_~~my purpose is (hope).~~ _

_~~am i boring?~~ _

~~~~_"hmm?"_

"Hope is so predictable, isn't it? The same cycle of bad things and then hope springing forth from it. Don't you want something  _new?_ To get out?"

~~_i'd like something new._ ~~

~~~~_"Despair?"_

~~_zetsubou?_ ~~

~~~~Kamukura hesitated.

Then,  ~~ _he_~~ kicked Enoshima's head straight into the concrete floor.

She was out like a light.

~~_how boring._ ~~

* * *

~~~~She came back to see ~~ _him_~~ later.

_Why?_

~~_am i being manipulated_ ~~

_"I have something I want to show you."_

~~_alright._ ~~

_"It's a date!"_

~~_i'm not interested._ ~~

* * *

~~~~There was blood on ~~ _his_~~ face. On  ~~ _his_~~ clothes. Chainsaw whirring in the distance.  ~~ _He_~~ couldn't care less.

~~_This is new._ ~~

~~_This is interesting._ ~~

Bodies on the floor.  _Hope's Peak Academy, Student Council. All of them with Ultimate Talents, aged 16-18 yrs old._

_Dead._

_Deceased._

_Gone._

_Smells like copper. Blood doesn't get out of clothing easy, but I need to find a way. I don't want any questions._

_Do I even need to go back there? Probably not. Nobody's stopping me from leaving._

There was a boy, the last "survivor"  ~~ _(he was dead now so there's not a point in humoring him)_~~ , lying on the ground, a chainsaw stuck straight through him. Kamukura looked. 

And looked straight through him.

_I did that. I killed him. I ended his life. I snuffed out his lights, stopped his breathing, made his crimson blood spill over the tile classroom floor. I ended a story that could've lasted longer, made a difference._

~~_And I don't even care in the slightest._ ~~

~~~~Enoshima's voice blared over the loudspeaker, annoying as ever. Kamukura apathetically glanced at the security cams, knowing she was watching, laughing, _recording this for the public to see._

~~_The Ultimate Hope is a murderer. The Ultimate Hope is dangerous. Waste of school funding. Failed science experiment._ ~~

~~~~" _This_ is Despair, Kamukura! Are you loving it yet?"

~~_this is just petty terrorism._ ~~

~~_how boring._ ~~

~~_but hey, it's better than nothing._ ~~

* * *

~~~~~~_He_~~  spent ~~_his_~~ first day outside of quarantine trying to find out why the word "he" didn't fit right.

 ~~ _He_~~ 'd stolen a corpse's mobile phone and had used their fingerprint to unlock it. They'd had a pastel-spotted phone background. Facebook. Candy Crush. Instagram. Snapchat.

Google.

_Goo•gle (n). Google.com, one of the most widely used Internet Search engines. Results primarily displayed in American English. Results often come up as websites, though there is the option to search for images instead. Search bar mandates that you enter in keywords to find results._

~~_perfect_ ~~

"Hey google, I don't feel like a boy or a girl."

Kamukura watched as results spilled over the holographic screen. 

_I don't know what pronouns..._

_Nonbinary Gender..._

_The Gender Spectrum..._

_Help Thread- I don't feel like a guy or a girl..._

_Agender- the idea of not having a gender..._

_Gender Identity Confusion..._

~~_He_~~ clicked one, out of curiosity. The one,  ~~ _he_~~ figured, was the most factual.

_"Nonbinary gender is any gender that isn't exclusively male or female. Nonbinary people may feel some mix of both male and female, somewhere in between, or something completely different. Other terms similar are gender-queer, gender expansibe, gender noncomforming..."_

~~_wikipedia, maybe?_ ~~

_Wikipedia- Genderqueer._

_Genderqueer, also known as nonbinary, is a catch-all category for gender identities that aren't exclusively masculine or feminine-_

~~_perfect._ ~~

_...having no gender (being agender, nongendered, genderless, genderfree or neutrois)..._

~~_pronouns._ ~~

_usage of singular they, them and theirs is common..._

They tried it out on their tongue.

_~~perfect.~~ _

~~~~Kamukura erased the search history, turned off the phone, and left it where it lay.

* * *

They had run off to tell Enoshima.

_~~that was probably a mistake.~~ _

"Enoshima Junko."

"Oooh, if it isn't Kamukura-senpaiii, coming to see little 'ol me out of his own volition! What can I do for you, senpai?"

_~~her voice is still annoying.~~ _

~~~~"It's 'their', not 'his'. Use they/them/theirs from now on when speaking about me. I'd prefer it."

They waited. Her face remained blank.

~~_why am I nervous._ ~~

She took a breath and started to laugh. It was a cruel, mocking sound. She grinned and patted their shoulder gently, like a parent talking down to a child.

Kamukura's ears rung.

_I'm appalled._

_ap•pal (verb.) past tense, appalled. to greatly dismay or horrify._

"Oh, Kamukura, we don't have time for your silly little gender crisis. I'm not even going to remember your 'pronouns' anyways."

Their stomach did backflips.

* * *

 They'd stood in front of a mirror later, in nothing but a pair of white boxer shorts. Not anything sexual, of course, just observing.

They didn't mind their hair.

_~~They loved their hair. It was just the right amount of feminine yet casually masculine as well.~~ _

~~~~However, every time their eyes skated down their abdomen and noted just the slightest bit of body hair, any peach fuzz on their chin, and those ill-seeming features southward, they felt sick to their stomach just a bit.

They shaved off everything, their chest, legs, stomach, arms. It still didn't feel right. Plucked eyebrows. Still didn't feel right.

They sighed and went to bed.

The smooth feeling of sheer bedsheets against their smooth, freshly-shaved legs felt nice.

They made a note to themself to steal Enoshima's spare eyeliner.

* * *

They remember the first time they met  _him._

Enoshima had gotten accosted by a couple of kids from the 77th, and, to her great dismay, Ikusaba had been...  _distracted._ They had told her that taking Yukisome had been a fool's mistake, that the class was oh-so  _dreadfully_ attached to their teacher, but she hadn't listened.

So, here they were, standing outside of Enoshima's ill-disguised hidey-hole, unarmed,  _bored._

~~_ready._ ~~

~~~~"You don't understand, class rep. Didn't I already say it? This is for hope."

_What a musical voice. So soft. So relaxing. I want to keep listening._

~~_we don't have time to keep listening_ ~~

They stepped in and tried not to make too much noise. There were two students along with Enoshima and the animator boy, one holding a gun pointed straight at Enoshima.

Kamukura debated letting him shoot her.

But then, they remembered what it was like to be bored again.

The boy turned around to look at them. Kamukura inhaled slightly.

_"He's rather aesthetically pleasing."_

The boy had white hair that curled around his face and ears like a cloud. Eyes that glimmered somewhat as he turned his head in the half-light. Porcelain skin, beautifully untouched. Soft voice.

"Who.. are you?"

_"Fuck it. He's stunning."_

The boy kept pointing that gun at them, and Kamukura wondered just for a second what it would be like if he shot them. Let that metal bullet tear through suit jacket and skin and make their blood spill all over Enoshima's floor and the Ultimate hope would be dead, dead,  _dead-_

~~_kill me_ ~~

The gun jammed. SHSL Luck.

Kamukura decided to follow their impulses just once.

In seconds they were at the boy's side, thin fingers caressing his waist, mouth at his ear, breathing warm breath into it. A shiver ran down the boy's spine. Kamukura huffed in triumph. They decided to play it up.

_"If it's good luck you have, I have that too."_

The boy practically dropped the gun. Kamukura swiped it in seconds, and, with a squeeze of the boy's shoulder, they returned to their spot. They could feel the boy's eyes follow them.

They squeezed their eyes shut and committed their second murder.

_There's no blood._

_He didn't actually-_

Kamukura watched the boy raise his arm, a dazed, almost needy expression donning his face.

_Awe-struck._

Then, he collapsed.

* * *

They remember  _her,_ too.

"Komaeda!" she'd yelled, running to his side. She opened his jacket to look for a bullet-wound, and found nothing.

Something fell out of his breast-pocket, flat, sleek,  _short-circuited, broken._ She grabbed it and flipped it over. The bullet was lodged into it, barely making it through the device.  _The Student Handbook._

"Oh, thank god he's alive," she'd whispered.

However, her attention didn't stay on him for long. Her eyes turned to look up at them,  _recognition_ clear in her gaze, plain as day.

~~_who are you_ ~~

~~~~"Hinata.. kun...?"

_~~hinata~~ _

_~~Hinata?~~ _

~~~~"Hajime Hinata?"

~~_I am not Hajime Hinata._ ~~

"Hinata, that's you, right? What happened to your hair? Where have you been?"

~~_word vomit._ ~~

"Who are you?"

The girl looked crushed.

~~_why does she seem so familiar_ ~~

~~_why am i so happy to see her_ ~~

~~_i don't know her_ ~~

* * *

They remembered her later, too.

They remembered her as she died.

Enoshima had offered them the chance to go see her one last time. They didn't expect to she her like  _this._

_Body saturated with impalements and multiple different lacerations. Quickest method of death- blood loss. It is too late to help her. She has about 2 minutes left before she dies. If I get any closer there will be blood on my shoes._

_Nanami Chiaki. Ultimate Gamer. 18. Female._

_Dead as she stands._

"Hinata-kun... is that you?"

~~_hinata.exe does not exist_ ~~

~~~~"I don't want to die, Hinata-kun..."

~~_i can't help you_ ~~

~~_i'm   s o r r y_ ~~

"I want to play... more games... with... Hinata-kun..."

She tried to get up.

_~~she didn't succeed.~~ _

"I'm... glad I got... to spend time... with you..."

~~_i'm sorry i couldn't be your hinata-kun_ ~~

"Hi... na... ta... kun..."

She coughed.

She fell.

_She's gone._

There, on the floor, was a star-fighter pin, laying in the blood. They knelt to pick it up.

They looked at it.

~~_it looked back._ ~~

~~~~Their vision blurred.

_tears (n). liquid discharged from the eyes when one is sad._

_why am I sad?_

~~_sad•ness (n). the state of feeling down or unhappy due to grief, discouragement or disappointment._ ~~

~~_i thought i was e m ot ion l e s s_ ~~

_i didn't even know her, and now i'm crying over her dead body._

~~_i didn't even know her_ ~~

* * *

~~~~They had their memories erased of the 77th.

~~_It didn't work._ ~~

They found tear-stains in their pillow.

~~_forget her_ ~~

* * *

~~~~They decided to oversee Towa for a while, on their own time. They had no belongings, sans their suit, Enoshima's eyeliner, and ~~ _Chiaki's_~~ pin.

That was fine with them. Leave no attatchments.

However, they soon acquired another possession-  _Servant._

~~_he seems familiar._ ~~

~~~~_Servant. ~~Komaeda Nagito.~~   ~~~~Remnant of Despair._   _ ~~Ultimate Lucky Student.~~ 20\. Male._

The boy was, in essence, the epitome of pathetic. Crazy white hair, crazy greyed eyes. Sickly. Frail. When they'd stick a hand on his chest they could feel his ribcage  _through the fabric._ He'd let them, of course  _(For trash like me to be touched by such a shining beacon of hope is such an honor!)_ , but it still felt wrong, like they weren't asking the  _real_ Komaeda for permission.

~~_The real Komaeda probably would've said yes for the same reason._ ~~

Constantly wearing a dog collar, complete with a chain.  ~~ _It gave Kamukura a rush to pull it._~~ Constantly taking orders from  _anyone,_ even little children. Constantly saying  _maddening things_ that made Kamukura wish they were dissociating at that present moment so they could halfway understand Servant's logic.

~~_why do i dissociate anyways? is it because i am bored_ ~~

~~_t r a u m a_ ~~

~~_trau•ma (n). a deeply distressing or disturbing experience._ ~~

~~~~They figured that Servant was sick in some way, mentally or physically. It was to their utter horror(?) that it was discovered to be both.

"Ah, yes, Kamukura-san! I was diagnosed with lymphoma and fronto-temporal dementia. I have a short clock, aha!"

"Doesn't that disturb you?"

"Not at all! Trash like me doesn't deserve to live."

~~_why does that disturb me so much_ ~~

~~_is it because he is interesting_ ~~

* * *

Servant offered, once, to pleasure them. He'd had this maddened, lust-filled gaze as he said it, mouth on their zipper, breathing hot, steamy exhales all over it.

Kamukura didn't know what to do. They  _liked_ it, he was  _offering,_ they should just  _let it happen..._

But...

~~_they felt guilty. would the real Komaeda want this, he's not in his right mind, he's ill and if he wasn't so despairing he wouldn't consent_ ~~

~~~~So they shoved him off of them.

He'd cried.

Kamukura wanted to apologise.

* * *

In the morning, Servant was gone. Towa City was in rubble. Green-haired Monaca was gone. 

They decided to go out and see what they could find, dropping various keepsakes into their wheelbarrow.

They'd found two Kuma heads, yacking up a storm. "Shirokuma" and "Kurokuma."

~~_monokuma._ ~~

~~_black hope. white despair._ ~~

~~_how annoying._ ~~

~~~~Hands going straight through machine parts. _Shut up, Enoshima._ Circuits. Energy. All torn to bits.

"Oohhhh, so forceful, Kamukura. Am I being too noisy?"

_Shut up, Enoshima._

Silence.

"I see. I didn't know you still felt such emotion."

~~_i don't feel._ ~~

~~~~"Or, perhaps, you're forcing yourself to feel emotion in a situation like this. Well, not that it matters."

~~_it really does._ ~~

~~~~"Anyways, I leave the rest to you. Although, I'm ready to bet the next time I see you, you'll be someone else entirely."

_Sever the cords in the voice boxes to shut off the audio._

"Puhu. Puhuhuhuhu. I hope you'll at least have a little fun."

_Sever the cords._

"I hope the future is one... you can't predict."

_Shut up-_

They snapped in an instant.

Kamukura looked to the sky.

The city burned.

~~_how boring._ ~~

* * *

The last time they saw Servant, the two were sitting in a boat.

"Hey, Kamukura... do you like boats?"

~~_yes. they're relaxing._ ~~

 "I don't mind them."

~~_be honest._ ~~

~~~~"Hmm."

It was too quiet. They didn't know what to say. What do you say to someone who tried to go down on you and then when you stopped them, ran? It perplexed them

They felt awkward.

"Hey, hey, are you excited?"

~~_yes._ ~~

"Possibly."

It seemed to please Servant.

"But, no matter what happens, it is of no concern to me. I will not be able to participate in what lies ahead."

~~_word vomit._ ~~

~~~~To his chargrin, Servant didn't seem upset by their comments.

 ~~~~"Hmm... Really...? I don't really understand, but... I guess we have to part ways for some time."

_~~yes, we do.~~ _

"That's disappointing... we seemed to get along pretty well."

~~_no. we. didn't._ ~~

_~~You left.~~ _

~~~~"...Hey, can I see you again?"

~~_you left. me. alone._ ~~

~~_word vomit._ ~~

~~~~"...there is no reason to meet again. After all... you are boring..."

~~_yes. KEEP GOING._ ~~

~~~~"Your talent, your thoughts, your entire existence is boring to me..."

Servant- no,  _Nagito Komaeda_ froze.

"You really don't play along, do you?"

They could hear the hurt in his voice.

_They didn't care._

~~_we don't care. we don't we don't we don't_ ~~

~~~~"how boring."

* * *

_machines and tubes and pods and get those electrodes off of me maybe they'll have fucking fun when enoshima's fucking riding on their asses you want to contain me have fun when you're fighting an AI in virtual space have fun h  a v e   f u n_

_~~n i h i l~~ _

_don't touch me togami get your hands off of my shoulders do not shove me into that pod you'll regret ever being born i said i'd do it myself already why w h y ~~why~~_

_~~nothing matters anyways~~ _

* * *

~~~~When they woke up next again, they weren't alone in their head.

_Hi. Umm, are you there? I'm Hajime? Hajime Hinata? I'm sorry if you don't like me much? I'm assuming you aren't expecting me back..? haha?_

**_.   .   ._ **

_Ah, I'm very sorry for intruding. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine._

~~_I really don't. I really don't. Just go._ ~~

_Oh. I'm sorry._

They got up. They didn't ask to get up. They weren't the one moving their legs, their arms. 

 _He_ got up.

Hinata looked in the mirror, bicolored eyes flashing, sighing as he ran his fingers through  _Kamukura_ 's long locks of hair.

_Ugh. I should just cut this off._

He grabbed a scissors from the countertop.

~~_no, please don't-_ ~~

~~~~Scissors ran through hair. Somebody was yelling, pained as each beautiful strand Kamukura had meticulously brushed, straightened, braided over and over and over fell to the floor around Hinata's feet. When Hinata dropped the scissors and put a hand over his own mouth to muffle the noises, Kamukura realized the one screaming was themself.

It was too late. The damage was done.

Their hair, what they'd loved about themself the most, gone in an instant.

_...i'm sorry._

~~_you. you didn't have to. you could've worn a wig, or ANYTHING._ ~~

_the future foundation-_

~~_do you REALLY think the future foundation is any threat to me? do you ever think i just might've gotten captured on purpose?_ ~~

_.  .  ._

~~_no. you don't think. i'd supposed you were a reckless bastard, considering you took on the Project anyways, but I didn't think you'd be so damn selfish._ ~~

_i'm sorry._

~~_no you aren't. don't bother asking me for help._ ~~

_hey-_

~~_and for the record, if you're going to talk about me to others, it's they/them/theirs. Don't question it. Just use it._ ~~

He hadn't bothered to speak to Kamukura again after that. They'd felt a cold sort of triumph after that.

~~_how selfish._ ~~

~~_how... boring?_ ~~

~~_..._ ~~

~~_he's anything but boring._ ~~

* * *

~~~~As it turns out, Kamukura's assertion of Hajime's selfishness was quickly and spectacularly proven wrong. The boy had spent just shy of two minutes taking care of himself before he _immediately_ set to work waking people up.

As Hajime worked, Kamukura quickly learned that he bonded with people  _very easily._ The other students  _trusted_ him.  _Implicitly._ Kamukura figured that the kid could commit murder in front of them and they'd still love him like a brother. 

_~~i'm jealous.~~ _

_of what?_

~~_of your ability to relate to others, now SHUT UP I wasn't asking you_ ~~

_that's fair._

Hajime used Kamukura's talents to proceed to work for 48 straight hours before he passed out in the chair he was sitting in. In that time he'd woken up a good 6 students or so, giving them a sleepy  _hi guys_ before he fainted dead away.

Kamukura quickly learned that when Hajime slept, so did his conscious.

Kamukura also learned that popping up with a stern "hello" after fainting in front of 10 other students scares the shit out of people.

They had to explain bitterly to the group after being hog-tied by Owari and Nidai that  _yes, this is Izuru Kamukura, no, I'm not going to screw you guys over for the sake of despair, yeah, I'm bored of that gimmick already, please stop treating me like a dude, I'm not, somebody get me a wig._

Kamukura brushed the knots out of the shitty cosplay wig they found in the warehouse, sent Alter Ego in for another psychodive (Teruteru this time), and followed the other students to the restaurant.

There was orange juice. They contently got a glass and answered all of the students' questions in their usual monotone.

~~_they aren't that bad. predictable, but kind._ ~~

~~_is that what they mean when they say ignorance is bliss-_ ~~

* * *

~~~~Five and a half hours later, Hajime awoke and regained control. He then promptly returned to his work for another 36 hours and fainted again. Kamukura didn't even bother. They grabbed the wig, slipped it back on, and also slept, comforted by the sensation of long hair around them again.

~~_At least he lets me have this one small comfort._ ~~

~~_why can't he act as selfless towards me as he does the others?_ ~~

~~_what did i do wrong?_ ~~

* * *

~~~~Waking up Komaeda was the most difficult thing they or Hajime had ever done. Both kids put blood, sweat and tears into penetrating the multiple layers of strata Komaeda had built, stopping the progression of his dementia, and ridding his system of lymphoma. Kamukura as SHSL doctor, surgeon and neurologist and Hajime being Hajime (hopeful) was just enough to fight Komaeda's brain and make it through.

~~_the tears were mostly Hajime, crying out of frustration each time a psychodive failed. he seemed attached to Komaeda, far more than Kamukura ever was._ ~~

~~_they were upset that Komaeda had left, but they were happy that someone like Hajime was able to care for Komaeda._ ~~

~~_Komaeda deserved better._ ~~

Kamukura felt a flush of pride as Hajime pulled  ~~Komaeda~~ _Nagito_ out of the pod by ~~_Enoshima'_~~ _ ~~s~~_ his hand.

"I knew you could do it. I believed in you."

Hajime paused.

Then, he wrapped Nagito into a hug.

Kamukura smiled. They could feel his warmth too, somehow.

It'd been a long time since they'd gotten a hug.

~~_have i ever gotten a hug before?_ ~~

* * *

~~~~Kamukura was the one to fit on Nagito's prosthetic. They'd insisted. Hajime had only agreed because he was reluctant to do anything that might screw up the process. Hajime sat on stand-by as Kamukura finally spoke to Nagito again as they worked.

"I remember what you did," Nagito started. He seemed hesitant to bring it up.

"It was your fault."

~~_word vomit._ ~~

~~_i didn't mean to_ ~~

~~~~"And that's just the thing," Nagito admitted. "It was my fault. I threw myself onto you and you didn't feel comfortable. I was presumptuous."

"Komaeda."  _Nagito._

"yeah?"

"I felt as if I was taking advantage of you. If you were in your right mind I would've accepted."

He went red. "Huh?"

"Don't make me repeat myself."

"Kamukura-kun..." For once, the lucky student was at loss for words. Odd, because normally, Komaeda Nagito never stopped talking.

"No. No 'kun'. No Kamukura. I'm nonbinary. Just Izuru."

"Izuru-"

"What's in the past is in the past. It's not my place to be pursuing any relationships with anyone. I don't even have my own body anymore."

~~_I'm nobody._ ~~

They screwed in the final part of Nagito's arm.

"Move your fingers."

Nagito moved them. The hand worked just as well as Kamukura predicted.

Perfectly.

"I have to go now that my task is fulfilled. Hajime presumably wants to spend more time with you."

"Izuru, wait-"

They allowed Hajime to front again.

* * *

It was a cloudy day when Hajime admitted his feelings to Nagito. However, the smiles on their faces when Nagito accepted made Kamukura feel like there was sunshine.

For a minute.

_Hey... are you ok?_

~~_i'm fine. i'm happy for you._ ~~

_you do know that you're me now? that he's in a relationship with you too?_

~~_i'm not you. i'm not nearly good enough._ ~~

_~~he loves you, Hajime. YOU. stop pretending that i'm a real person.~~ _

_you **are** a real person, Izuru._

~~_i'm really not. go hold hands with your boyfriend and leave me alone, Hajime._ ~~

If Hajime could've looked at them, his eyes would've probably been full of concern.

* * *

That night, Kamukura dreamed.

They dreamed a world where they and Hajime each had their own physical form.

Or was this Hajime's dream?

Kamukura was never able to dream, so they knew this was Hajime's dream.

Hajime smiled when he saw them. "Izuru. Sit down."

~~_Kamukura- no, my given name is Izuru. Izuru Kamukura._ ~~

~~_Why am I so formal with myself?_ ~~

~~_It's... me._ ~~

Izuru sighed, and oblidged him. They sat down next to Hajime. The floor was peach yellow, and the walls, and the sky. They existed in a world where everything was warm light.

"What is it? Why have you dragged me here?"

Hajime smiled.

"You seem... distraught. Like there's something you won't tell me. Your self-image seems really negative. So, I thought we could talk about it, maybe."

~~_oh._ ~~

"Tell me about yourself. You can't lie to me here, and I can't lie to you."

~~_I'm Izuru Kamukura, the Ultimate Hope. 22. Nonbinary._ ~~

"There's nothing to tell. I am nobody. I no longer have a will or purpose."

~~_that's how i feel, so why did i just say that out loud...(?)_ ~~

~~~~He looked concerned. "But you do have a purpose."

"Do tell me what that is."

"Well, it's whatever you decide it to be. You have to create your own future, your own life."

"Hajime."

He looked at them. Izuru's eyes were full of something.  ~~ _regret? resignation? desperation?_~~ _They really didn't believe in their future at all._

"I cannot do anything for myself anymore. I don't have my own body, and I never had free will. My purpose was to exist to be used for the sake of hope, and then to be neglected once again. When it was despair, it was no different. I cannot make friends, because I do not experience empathy and therefore cannot relate to anyone's problems or emotions."

"Izuru."

"Nothing I do, or anyone else does, matters in the slightest. It all amounts to nothing, and in the end, the planet will eventually cease to exist and with it the entire human species and the legacies of any person ever to have existed. Once we are all dead there will be nobody to remember us or any of the things we've ever done. There is no point in doing anything. Nothing matters in the slightest."

"IZURU KAMUKURA!" Hajime yelled.

Izuru looked at him in shock.

"Have you ever thought about existing for you in the present? Forget about the future for a minute. What about making right now feel good?"

~~_he's right. what about right now?_ ~~

~~_enjoying now?_ ~~

~~~~"If you're so upset about being stuck in my head, you bet your ass we can find a way to get you a separate body. If you're upset about not being able to do anything, I can let you have times during the day where you're in control and you can follow your own passion. If you're worried about making friends, from what I've heard, you've already befriended all of my classmates while I was asleep."

Izuru's vision blurred for the second time in their life. They reached a hand up to wipe away their tears.

Hajime grabbed their hands in his own. "Hey. It's ok to cry."

"I- I'm not supposed to."

Hajime smiled at them. He pulled out a cosy-looking beige knit sweater, a comb, hair ties and eyeliner from somewhere in the dreamspace. "Here. Just relax."

Izuru didn't protest as Hajime undid their suit jacket and button up and slipped it off of them, replacing the sheer fabric with cozy knit. Hajime wiped away their tears with the back of his hand. 

"Close your eyes," he offered. Izuru complied, and sighed as they felt the familiar feel of an eyeliner pen on their eyelid. After a few meticulous strokes, Hajime backed away.

"Guess Enoshima's Ultimate Fashionista really did come in handy," Hajime joked.

He held up a mirror. Izuru looked. They were satisfied by the defined wings coming from their eyes. 

Hajime set down the mirror after a while and held up the hair ties in an offering. Izuru smiled  ~~ _and this time, their facial muscles didn't scream in protest._~~

 ~~~~They let their head fall into Hajime's lap. Hajime gently combed through Izuru's hair with his fingers. They relaxed at the feeling of their hair being bunched into thirds, each portion being looped through the other, just like how they used to do it.

"So tell me about yourself. For real this time."

Izuru closed their eyes.

"I'm Kamukura Izuru. I'm 22 years old. I've got many talents. I'm nonbinary."

"That sounds a little more accurate. More you. I'm glad."

"I like turtleneck sweaters, black cherry ice cream, orange juice, and my hair being braided. I once stole Junko Enoshima's eyeliner. I have a secret fascination with internet jokes. If I could, I'd own a cat."

"You stole Enoshima's eyeliner? That sounds like a story."

"It really wasn't one. I picked the lock to her bathroom and stole it."

"Daunting and harrowing, stealing from her."

"She deserved it, her voice was annoying and her shit about despair was boring and repetitive."

Hajime laughed and pulled a hair tie over the end of the braid. He ran a hand through the parts of Izuru's hair that were free, around the top of their scalp.

"Yeah, I thought so too."

For once, Izuru Kamukura felt like themself, exactly how they envisioned themself in their head.

* * *

If anyone asked why Hajime and Izuru were building a life-sized android later that day, they'd never admit to anything. However, they both knew what it was for, and when Izuru thought of getting their own body again, a deep-seated feeling of contentment would wash over them, unparalleled and uncontrollable.

That contentment was fueled even further when Izuru finally opened their eyes again in their own body, their head blissfully empty, the 77th class waiting for them with a smile.

They got up. Their hair cascaded around them. Their joints  _vrred_ as each gear moved into place.

"Come on. Let's go get some orange juice. Sitting in here would be boring."

* * *

For once, it wasn't "how boring."

They smiled. They could imagine a future now, one entirely their own.

_How exciting!_

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh oh my god this took 8 hours and it was so worth it. Let me try to explain some of this.
> 
> He(?)/crossed out he/him pronouns: Like any questioning nb person, Kamukura is just as confused. You probably aren't going to find any "SHSL Gender Studies" in Hope's Peak.  
> Dissociation: when I dissociate, I end up incredibly bored (and i've ended up saying "how boring" before i'm not shitting you) and I'll bet your ass Kamukura would probably be one to dissociate as well, considering Kamukura's displayed a characteristic lack of empathy and behaviors like dissociation throughout dr3 despair arc. (him forgetting chiaki could be taken as a symptom of amnesiac dissociation, where when one dissociates they forget memories of trauma and/or their entire identity).  
> Hope(?): Kamukura's talent is ironic- Kamukura serves as a figurehead for hope without being hopeful in the slightest. (Makoto is a better example of SHSL Hope in this regard- he actually HAS hope. Kamukura doesn't at all.)  
> Lacking Empathy: Kamukura kills the final student council member in despair arc and watches the rest of them die without remorse or concern. The only time Kamukura even feels sorry for anyone throughout the entire series is when Chiaki dies, but the reaction stems from Hajime. Kamukura watches hundreds of people die without caring in the slightest about their problems or emotions. If Kamukura possessed empathy, it would have forced Kamukura to experience their emotions and understand them to a degree where remorse would've been a limiting factor.  
> Dictionary definitions: Kamukura probably would've had that stuff memorized.  
> Googling Nonbinary-ism: Do you think Kamukura would've had any online resources before this? (also i searched up the phrase myself to make sure my results were legitimate)  
> Junko being transphobic: A lot of people take they/them pronouns less seriously than if somebody was full-on transgender. I'd know, my mom's a big example. Junko seems like the type.  
> Dysphoria: Dysphoria is usually different for each nonbinary person. I don't like my chest, I'd feel more comfortable with it flat. It's probably different depending on what you're born as and how you perceive neutrois. In Izuru's case it's the groin and body hair.  
> Izuru caressing Nagito: you know which scene i'm referencing and i refuse to believe there wasn't any sexual tension there  
> Word vomit: You know that feel when you say shit you don't think other people take offense to, so you say it and then people get pissed off and you don't know why?  
> Nagito trying to suck Izuru off: I refuse to believe Servant didn't offer sexual favors to anyone. (so he could be a stepping stone for hope!)  
> Hajime cutting Izuru's hair: Izuru liked their hair because it made them feel less dysphoric, Hajime didn't know any better.  
> Orange Juice: too many memes have led up to this shit I actually cannot ignore this, also i love orange juice  
> Hajime and Nagito: b oys. i love them  
> Izuru and Nagito: I imagine Izuru spent a good amount of time as Servant and started to grow fond of Servant (and Nagito, as we know, is just a non-despairing Servant).  
> Dream: I feel like they'd most effectively be able to communicate over their subconscious (i.e. dreams)? Just a headcanon though  
> I am nobody: the drv3 talent development plan fucked me up, especially izuru's dialogue when you play as ouma, and izuru's dialogue w/ taka when you play as izuru. the guy's got some real self-esteem issues.  
> Beige knit turtleneck sweater: i've seen some good fanart of Izuru in turtleneck sweaters. Big headcanon  
> Android body Izuru: why WOULDN'T izuru try and get their own body?? Like CANON Izuru would be discontented with that to be honest
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
